Monday, November 10, 2014

Am I Crazy?

I looked for a picture to go with this blog.. but couldn't find one. Dang it. I wanted a cool picture.

So I am starting to think that I may be a little crazy. Not normal, wacko, strange,missing a few bolts However you what to say it. Don't worry. I'm not hearing voices lol. I think I'm crazy because of how I feel after having a hysterectomy. It seems like my reaction has been much different from others.  First, I am 12 days post op, and my recovery has been very smooth. Aside from having some kidney and low blood pressure problems it has been pretty easy. I've had little, if any pain. My biggest worry is that it's going to set my weight loss back. And it will because of all the rest I have to do. Sitting steal, and resting has been VERY hard for me. But I know it's for the best and if I push myself, I could hurt myself which will set me back even more. Not worth it. But the physical part isn't what makes me think I'm a little crazy. It's the emotional, and psychological part. I'm reading story after story of women who feel so lost, sad, cheated. Not just younger women. But all ages. Women whose childless, some who have children but wanted more, ones that NEVER wanted kids, and those whose gone through menopause and have grandkids my age! All feel as though they've lost a part of them that's irreplaceable. They identify their womanhood with their uterus and without it, they no longer feel like a woman.

I do not feel that way. I am not sad. I am not mad. I am thankful. I am very thankful. And I am not one of those women who said they never wanted kids. I said the opposite actually. I always wanted kids. I've wanted to be a mommy for as long as I can remember. Having children was a dream of mine. This hysterectomy ended the dream of ever carrying a child inside of me. Yet I'm OK with it. And a lot of people would say that's strange, and crazy. Maybe even say I'm detaching myself from the problem.

Would you like to know why I am thankful?

1. I have read so many stories of women struggling to become pregnant. Who spend thousands of dollars on pregnancy tests, doctor appointments, pills, treatments, IUI, IVF I can go on and on. They commit their lives to becoming pregnant, carrying a child, having a baby of their own. I read sad story after sad story of women's hearts being broke. I will never have to go through that. I will never have to go through the pain of wanting something so bad, and not getting it. I know I can't carry a baby.. but I also know..

2. I do not have to carry a baby to be a mother. I had to ask myself, is my desire to carry a child, or to be a mom. My desire is to be a mom. A mother doesn't always have to carry the child. Pregnancy doesn't make you a mom. Sometimes mommy's come through adoption, sometimes they are step mom's. I am thankful that I've had people remind me of this. And good examples of women who are mommies to beautiful children, but didn't carry them (Jessica and Shannon)

3. I am thankful that what brought me to have a hysterectomy was not painful. When I went to the doctor two months ago I never imagined that by the end of the year I would have to have a hysterectomy. I honestly went in for a normal check-up. It was once I started describe some of my symptoms that my doctor became worried and decided to run tests. And thank God he did. Because had he not, it would have gotten worse. Finding it when he did, made it so the hysterectomy was the cure. No treatment. Had I waited to see him. Or he would have ignored those symptoms, and brushed it off as nothing I would of had probably gone through chemo and radiation. But I hear so many stories of women who lived in constant pain, had month long periods, heavy uncontrollable bleeding. I never had to endure that at all. I never had cramps! EVER! So I couldn't imagine the pain some of those women have had to endure. For that I am thankful. I didn't have to suffer.

I feel like I have so much to be thankful for through this process. That it's been really hard for me to see the bad. I don't know. It may come later. I may not always feel this way. I might have bouts of sadness, anger bitterness. I do not know? I know that right now.. I feel blessed for how everything has unfolded. 

P.S. I found some pictures!! lol.